To be or not to be, that is the question.

[LittleSomething]

*looks around the room and takes a deep breath*

Hi all. It would seem that I'm about to bare my soul to what appears to be a recently empty forum... but I hold out the hope that that'll soon change. Because I'd like to get to talk to this community.

So. I have a problem. (Big surprise. : First, you should know that I have a small group of friends who are like sisters to me. More than sisters; we're like one person. It's only been about two months since I realized that I'm not straight and already it's killing me that they don't know. They're about the only people in this world with whom I feel a need to be 100% myself, totally honest and without secrets. These are people I really love with all my heart. And I know they love me too, and I know they're open to homosexuality because we've talked about it before, but... well, those discussions are always hypothetical; they're about total strangers who don't affect any of us personally. It's different when it's someone you know. I'm scared that they'll get twitchy and not want to cuddle with me anymore. (I'm someone who needs hugs like I need air, FYI.) Stupid, perhaps, but my relationship with them makes me so happy exactly as it is and I don't want to change anything by coming out. I know the secrecy is bad too, but I'm afraid of their possible reactions.

I mean, I have no doubt that they would say they're fine with it and try not to seem anything less, but I worry that they'd act differently without meaning to. Like reflexively moving away from me if I hug them for a moment too long or something like that. The sort of thing where you try to be politically correct but inadvertently do or say something inappropriate. I'm scared of making things awkward, I suppose.

To be or not to be honest? I wonder.

[andrewlj2002]

Yeah, it has been a little quiet recently.

I'd say be honest with them. When you tell them, let them know you're not interested in any of them sexually, and that you'd still like to hug and cuddle as before.

[LittleSomething]

Thanks, Andrew.

There is currently one person in the world who knows. Besides you, that is. One of the "sisters" I mentioned above; she's probably the closest friend I've ever had and someone with an amazing capacity to see past stereotypes and stigma. I'm very glad to have confided in her; it makes it easier to have at least one person to talk to openly about it. Also, she recently came out to the group as asexual, which was met with either encouragement or neutrality by everyone. She, of course, told me their reactions may as well be a formal invitation for me to come out too. I'll admit I don't entirely disagree. I'll also admit I think it was pretty great of her to go first. The task seems less daunting now.

So I've been trying to gather my courage and tell the rest of them. Everyone's planning to get together tomorrow, so my current plan is to clear the air all at once when we're gathered around a plate of sushi. ...I'm scared. It's something I know I need to do at some point, probably the sooner the better, but I can't help being nervous. The concept that it's happening tomorrow is the worst part. Not soon, not this week, but tomorrow. A set date and time, and one that's fast approaching. Gah. ><;;

I think, though, that it'll feel good to have this out in the open. Sometimes I feel like it's more effort to keep it secret than it would be to just tell people. The same is true at school, but undoubtedly that would be a much bigger choice than to tell close friends. At school there would be gossip and all that terrible stuff. I knew a girl a couple of years above me who was a lesbian and the people I associate with were fairly accepting of her - twitchy at the worst - but I certainly don't doubt that others in my classes would be immature and harsh about it. So no plans to come out at school any time soon... but I have to say I don't like keeping secrets. It's not that I particularly want people to know, I just get tired of trying to hide. Lying is hard on the soul....

Talking about all this, I could almost launch into the religious aspects of my predicament (*is Catholic*) but I don't have the energy right now... Thank you and goodnight.

[andrewlj2002]

Let us know how it goes!

[LittleSomething]

Baaah. It went nowhere... one didn't show up, so I held my piece. I figure it'll be best to tell everyone at once. Or... y'know, everyone else at once. It was annoying, though, because I kept getting "hurry up and tell them already" vibes from the friend who does know. I'm pretty sure she was secretly glaring knives (or maybe just Encourage Fairies) at my back the whole night. >.>

NEXT WEEKEND. I will definitely succeed in gathering everyone next weekend, and I will definitely get this off my chest. Yes.

On a totally unrelated note, I had a nice dream last night. I was with this woman, talking and flirting and touching a little... Simple, but it made me really happy and hopeful. ^^

[LittleSomething]

Mumblemumblemumble...

Is it just me or has the number of homosexuality-related conversations I've had with my mother been increasing exponentially since I found out about myself? I don't remember talking about it much before, at least not with her. Not that we've had any in-depth discussions - quite the opposite, really - but still. I didn't think it was a topic we touched on that much. It's making me uncomfortable. >__<

Most of the time what she displays is ignorance or disapproval. She's hypocritical about it, too, which almost bothers me more than her feelings towards LGBT people. She always says she isn't prejudiced, and she told me maybe a year ago that she'd still love me if I were gay, but when she sees a same-sex couple or a transgender person - whether in person, on TV or wherever else - she cringes or makes some stupid remark. She's incredibly conservative and closed-minded but won't admit it. Every time she even gets near the topic I want to stop her before she can say anything to get me upset. Usually when she bothers me I don't say anything, but this subject gives me a strong need to defend the group.

This might be the last thing to worry about here, but I'm a little afraid my retorts will out me over time. Like she'll piece together what I say and figure something out. Paranoia, I'm sure, but... yeah. I ought to keep my mouth shut, perhaps, but I really can't stand discrimination. Against anyone for any reason, not just in this case. It bothers me immensely.

Anyway, rant over.

[Rabid]

Now this is only speaking from my own personal experiences, and have noticed of the people around me. Sometimes when something is bearing down on your mind everything finds a way to be related to it.

Like cheese for example. If you've craved cheese for like two weeks and haven't satisfied it, anything orange, blue, or white would remind you of cheese.

Bad example, I know. Also, sometimes you're just more aware of everything, and the most subtle of comments could seem like smack-you-across-the-face obvious.

I realize this probably didn't help any, but I just felt like putting in my two cents.

[LittleSomething]

That cheese analogy just made me very happy.

It's true, though, and I hadn't thought of it that way. When something's on your mind, you can link anything to it. That lovely trick of the mind has caused me to see implications of slash pairings in just about all the fiction I encounter... >.>

Anyway. I suppose every remark she makes just stands out to me a lot more than it used to. Like you said, I could just be more aware of things. Taking it personally. Which I know I shouldn't since she doesn't mean to aim it at me, but still.

Thanks for the message. even if it wasn't to give advice. I'm glad to have the chance to talk to you guys, especially while I'm still adjusting. ^^

[Rabid]

Hey, no problems. I'm not the greatest at dishing out advice, but if you just wanna talk I'm pretty good at that. And using the cheese reference for example my randomness will usually bring a smile to your face, even if it is a result from your confusion on my stupidity, lol.

Honestly though, this is such a tough topic to give advice on, that not too many people want to stick their necks out too much. All I can tell you is that you should always listen to your heart, it will tell you what you need and not only what you want. Sometimes you just have to put your faith into your insticts and go with what feels best to you. Sometimes it'll be scary, and sometimes it might appear to take you to a very dark place. But you just have to remember, this is your life, not anyone else's. You don't have to live for anyone but you, and I don't believe the world wouldn't throw anything at you that you wouldn't be able to handle. You always have the strength inside.

Wow...that last line was extremely corny...

[LonelyArtist]

It's like if you're pregnant and notice every other pregnant woman! (Or so I've heard. XD)

Have you told your friends yet? I agree that, yeah, it's an ok thing to do. You know you have your one friend, and with her support, the rest of friends should accept you if they don't on their own.

[LittleSomething]

I wish it worked that way! You accept yourself and suddenly notice every other lesbian. That would make dating a lot easier. XD

Unfortunately, no, my friends are still in the dark. I actually haven't gotten to see everyone together in quite a while... next time I do, though, I plan to tell them. I've come up with a couple of methods to do it, too. I have a compulsion to come out in a creative way, not with a very solemn moment. Somehow I think they'll accept it easier if I make light of it when I tell them... state it like a simple fact rather than create a heavy bad-news atmosphere.

And Josh (can I call you that?), your corny line was the best advice I could ask for. You cheered me up again, so thanks! ^^

[LittleSomething]

A couple of things. One: I'm planning on coming out today. The situation isn't what I'd been hoping for, but I think I'll go crazy if I have to hide from these friends any longer. So. Wish me luck!

Second is I have developed my first conscious lesbian crush on a real person. I know that has a lot of conditions on it, but it's still significant to me.
You see, before this I harboured a secret year-long crush on my dance teacher, but this was before I acknowledged my sexuality and I spent most of the time convincing myself it was not a crush but simply admiration because she was so accomplished and so inspirational to me. (I still maintain that that was a good part of it, but in hindsight there were definitely other elements to it as well.) Other than her I've had a thing for some fictional characters. This is different though.
She's in my Japanese class and she is INCREDIBLY CUTE. She's the only actual Japanese person in the class and she's totally fluent while the rest of us are mostly just beginning, but for some weird reason she needs the credit at this level in order to move up despite her command of the language... Anyway, I digress. She sits next to me and every time she speaks I feel like I could lapse into a squealing fit. She's so cute there isn't even anything I can compare her to in order to explain her cuteness. She's a older than me but so innocent-looking... Eeee~

Yeah. Of course I realize she's most likely straight, which is rather depressing. It would be amazing if she weren't, but I'm trying not to get my hopes up. Life is hard. >.<

[LittleSomething]

DAMN THE UNIVERSE. (Well that effectively kills the happy spazzing of this morning.)

So once again my plans to come out were foiled. Initially everyone was planning to go to see Fame today and I was intent on telling them at some point during the evening. Out of the six of us, two showed up. Including me. Everyone had a last-minute reason they couldn't go and I actually ended up ranting to the friend who did come about how I'd been wanting to tell them something for the past month but couldn't because we hadn't assembled everyone in one room in over a month, which fails. Currently everyone knows that I have something to share and this has made them all eager to assemble in one room, which is good, but I'm still incredibly annoyed that the world doesn't seem to want me to come out... this is at least the third time my plans have been stepped on. I don't know, maybe I should take a hint and keep quiet, but that's not what I want to do... urgh.

[LonelyArtist]

First: I love your icon. How did you make it / where did you get it?

Anyway, I sympathize with your not being able to come out. Especially that since everyone knows you have a secret you can't back out now! Eek! Way too much pressure. I'm more of a "tell one person at a time" kind of person...but so far that hasn't been perfect, either.

As for the Japanese girl, I am so jealous. Not necessarily of the girl, just that you have that class! I'd LOVE to learn Japanese!

[LittleSomething]

Hijacked it from a girl on another forum. Originality fail. >.>

I now have a story to share! One with a happy ending this time. Over the past week I have come out to my remaining friends. My plan of doing it all at once failed epically, but at least everyone knows now, so it's all good. The actual story of how everyone came to know is kind of long, so feel free to skip ahead...

To prevent mass confusion for anyone who plans to read this, I'm going to number these friends 1 to 4. What happened was on the day of my last post I was hanging out with 2 and 3 and they spent a good fifteen minutes trying to guess what my big secret was. I laughed at them because 1 had guessed it right away. Of course then 2 went and asked 1 what she had guessed because I'd said she was right. So I didn't even get to tell 1 directly... but I suppose that didn't matter either way because she informed me that she'd been suspecting it for months. That conversation happened over MSN. Anyway, she asked me if she should tell 2 what her guess was, which I refused, but we did proceed to leave her very obscure clues based on inside jokes and the like. That was Monday. Tuesday she called and greeted me with, "You HAVE to tell me your secret!" She was sorta going insane from the clues... so I told her over the phone. Today I was determined to get 3 and 4 at the same time because I really didn't want anyone to be able to say they were the last to know; one in person and one over the phone. So here I am.

Their reactions were at once perfect and disappointing. For some reason I was expecting them to make a big deal of it, but pretty much everyone just said, "Oh. Okay." I did get some sorta unique ones though... 2 said, "I'm so proud of you!!" and 3 paused for a while and then exclaimed, "Cool!" They tie for best reaction. Ah, I really love my friends. They accepted it so easily... I mean, 2 already took an interest in my story about the Japanese girl! I don't know, maybe it's stupid, but I was thinking no one would want to hear about those types of things. I feel really blessed to have their unconditional love. Today is a good day! ^^