To be or not to be, that is the question.

[psychosis]

Sounds like you had a good coming out experience, as I have said many times, I think coming out is fun, you really get an understanding for what another person is like from their reaction. All of my friends are extremely accepting of me, even the one whom I used to like!

I'm glad that everything went well for you and you should feel good about how it went!

[LittleSomething]

Heh, it was sorta fun in a way. It felt good to get it out in the open, too, and to be told that things would still be the same as always. I'm happy about it in general.

Aside from that, though, I am also frustrated. It irks me greatly that I have no gaydar whatsoever when it comes to women. I can usually recognize gay men, but I fail epically at finding lesbians. It makes me sad.
On that note, I've been closely observing a few of my classmates just in case. The Japanese girl I mentioned before brought a magazine full of Asian boys to class yesterday and commented on their cuteness, which also made me sad. I'm attempting to hold out the hope that she might be bi or somewhere deep in the closet, but something tells me those hopes are futile. I've also been paying attention to a girl I share quite a few classes with... we're not really close friends, more like friends by association, but towards the end of last year we were talking - commenting on a pretty girl, I think - and she said, "Sometimes I think I might be bisexual." A few of our common friends are always trying to set her up with this guy, too, and she's always really annoyed by it. She's ranted a couple of times about how she's not interested in a boyfriend and they should just leave her alone. This has led me to keep tabs on her... just in case. I'll admit that I'm not exactly attracted to this girl, but... I don't know. There's just something appealing about the concept of having a girlfriend. Besides, I don't know her that well, so there could be room to develop something... I'm rambling, aren't I? Something tells me my sentences are no longer very coherent. I should stop now. Goodnight.

[LittleSomething]

Guys, I'm scared. I think I might be in love.

I'm not sure why exactly it scares me. Maybe because I'm not used to it, or because it's a woman, I don't know. All I can say is I've never felt this strongly about anyone before, and it's overwhelming.

The sad part is I know nothing could ever really happen between us. She's a teacher at my school and a tragic sixteen years older than me, and straight as far as I know... it's depressing. I suppose you could say I've had a secret - super secret, considering I didn't even know until the summer - crush on her since last year. I think I mentioned that before.... Anyway, the short version of the story is that I spent a lot of time around her last year and just majorly adored her and whatnot. This year I'm not taking any of her classes, so I don't really get to see her much, except the occasional stalking mission. (Shh. I don't stalk people. Not at all. >.>) Yet even so, I still get all excited around her and can't stop thinking about her and all those sorts of things. I want to be with her so badly... ><

So. I'm pining. I can't concentrate on anything. I alternate between feeling giddy and frustrated, the former when I imagine being together and the latter when reality socks me in the face. I hate having such strong feelings but at the same time I don't want them to stop. I suppose my main problem is that I don't know what to do about them. I mean, I can't really go up and confess to her; it's inappropriate. Even if she was interested in me, she'd get fired for being involved with a student. Maybe imprisoned. I don't know. At any rate, it seems pretty impossible. Baaaaah.

I know I'm ranting uselessly, but I need to get it out of my system. Sorry, guys.

If anyone's wondering what happened to the Japanese girl, she... just sorta stopped interesting me. I still maintain that she's very cute, but I don't really spaz about her anymore. It was a small crush. *shrug*

[LittleSomething]

Hokay, a few updates on that last situation there. Quite a few. I'll give you the important stuff.

First, she's leaving the school in February. I went and cried in a corner after that conversation, no joke. And I'm not someone who tends to cry. But yeah... that sorta made me feel like I had to do something, even if it wasn't a direct confession, just to get it off my chest a little. So I've been taking advantage of more opportunities to be around her and trying not to worry about how it comes off as much. This has led me to a couple of possibly stupid actions.

She invited me to do a solo for the school's annual dance benefit again this year, so I've been looking for a good song to inspire some choreography. Yesterday, while rummaging through some old CDs, I found the perfect thing: Lindsay Lohan's Symptoms of You. Stupid Action #1 arose from that... I appeared at her office and announced that I'd picked my song, then slipped her a post-it note with the title on it and told her to listen to it later. As soon as I handed it to her I was like What am I doing?! and freaking out in my head. Yeah. I can just see her looking it up and making an O_____O face as she realizes I'm into her. I figure she'd figure it out... I've been clinging to her for a long time, so I wouldn't be surprised if she's already suspicious. Still. I feel bad for making her feel awkward. Even though I'm sure I've done it about a thousand times by now anyway. Still.

Stupid Action #2 hasn't happened yet, but it's planning to. The other day when we were talking I found out when her birthday was. It passed last month, but I sorta want to get her a present anyway. It's cheesy and stupid, I know, but... meh. I think it's kinda cute. And... well, I have limited opportunities to do stuff like this now, since she won't be around every day next year. Or at the end of this year, for that matter. So I should take advantage of the chance now, right? Maybe?

I'll admit I'm addicted to making her smile. It's the highlight of my day when I can make her happy somehow, especially to hear her laugh. I love her smile so much. Too, when I gave her a gift last year she smiled and hugged me, which was pretty much the highlight of the entire month... ^^; Yeah. I'd rather like to repeat that experience. So I want to go shop for her at some point this weekend. Nothing big, just a little teddy bear or something. Just for a smile. And maybe a hug.