The Confusing Quest of Life

[Ryzihem]

Well, doesn't the title state the truth? Every corner I turn. Look! More confusion. Yay.

Well, anyway, I have many topics to discuss with whoever wishes to answer them. I will state now; I'm not looking for sympathy, just a little help to get my head on straight.

I'm not going to blubber about how this happened, but I recently moved in with my dad from my grandparents how. YEAH life is just a little different and I'm getting used to it (not). Don't ask about this story, I don't feel like talking about it this time.

I'll just throw out there for ya - something about me - I'm Wicca. I realize tis isn't a religious website, but again... to throw that out there.

Now for a topic I most definitely need a little help on. I have a friend.. rather I consider her a best friend. She doesn't like her real name being used online, so I'll say her internet name. Celia. For some reason I feel a little awkward around her as of late. I just kinda found out about it myself. I felt it even a little towards the end of my relationship with a guy named Thomas (Gads, he stalks me now too. e_e). I think I like her a little too much. Sad fact is she's Bi too. As I write this, it's only been maybe five minutes since she came to me on email, telling me her best friend and girl friend basically just dumped her. I feel horrible for her as any friend would. But I need help on this liking thing. She's my friend. I find it really awkward (I use that word too much) to be liking her!

I loathe the confusion and twist of life. But what can a body do? Nothing but let life do it's own thing.

[Gamoc]

Well, give it some more time, if it doesn't pass, then talk to her about it. See what she thinks. It may be hard at first, and this is advice I wish I had used earlier, but you'll feel much better afterwards.

[Ryzihem]

Maybe. I'm kinda hoping it'll pass. I feel that it would be beyond strange to talk to her about something like that. I've never been good with words.

[Gamoc]

Yeah, I know what you mean. Do whatever you can to get your mind off of her. It sure helped me when trying to get over somebody!

[Ryzihem]

Heh. Sounds easy, but maybe I should mention that we're in the same class all day and it's not unnatural for one of us to sit near the other. Lol.

[Gamoc]

Oh, yeah, that would make it very hard. Oh I wish there were someway I could help you there. I know how hard it is to like someone you're around a lot.

[Ryzihem]

Don't worry about it too much. I'll just have to get over it one way or another. Then again, maybe I'll get lucky ;D (haha right.)
Thanks though.

[Gamoc]

The future holds many mysteries for us to unfold.

[Ryzihem]

I hate secrets.. Oh look what's this? -stares at name- -cough-

[Gamoc]

I hate and I like secrets. On one thing, it tells you that you are still able to expand your mind further, the fact that there are things you don't know. But...sometimes, I feel it would be nice to know when there are too many secrets. If you get what I mean.

[Ryzihem]

Yes I do. I get it perfectly well. There are also times where I wish I didn't have secrets of my own.

[Gamoc]

Oh yeah, I hate having my own secrets because I always want to tell someone.

[Ryzihem]

Gah... just because I can't make another thread I'll let this rant blow off here.

Sunday I had to take the trip 'home' from mom's. While I was riding with my Dad I found out he over heard the conversation between Nikki and I from a week before hand. Dang, I ate forgetting he was a light sleeper.

Well, remember that this trip was a good 3-4 hours long. This conversation took up most of the trip.

I found out a lot about my dad. He had a week to think of what to say without blowing up in my face, so he came out with it all. Why he was never around, what happened way back in the day.
He was apparently homeless and on the streets at Denver, Colorado for a couple years. To make a long story short, I got everything I needed to know. And I'm still not happy.

I have to admit I am very envious of my little sisters. They're growing up with what I couldn't. A family with both their mother and father. I always feel like I'm just there to sit on the side lines to watch them have fun with him when I always feel like I hate him. I now know why he was gone, but I still feel like I hate him.

I don't know what to do anymore. In fact I've been lost for awhile now. My head is constantly filled with too much at one time. He says he only has 2 years left to fix me. Fix me? Why because my grandparents only did what they could?

I don't know.. Maybe I'm just over reacting and taking it too seriously.. or maybe everything is honestly being slammed into me all at once and I'm really going to implode. Oh, wait. I think I already did. Emotional break down like a baby, mental break downs - you name it, I've probably had that reaction. Before you ask, I'm not an idiot. I don't cut. Unfortunately I have a history of having committed suicide twice. Way back before teenage years.

Now, if anyone replies to this, I beg you to not give me a pity post. I want advice, that's all. I need help, not pity. Thanks.

-is lost beyond all comprehension-

[Stacey Morgan]

Breathe.

You need to retreat and think your next move over. It sounds like you Dad doesn't want to lose his girl and is having trouble with you growing up. He might not understand how you feel. Give it a while before you confront him though, but eventually I'd confront him.

He might think he's treating like an adult, I don't know your ircumstance.

[Ryzihem]

Well. I lost the link to this site for awhile Good news. Told my dad everything, and he was totally fine with it

His only comment was, "Well, I really don't know what to say to that, but... you'll make a man happy someday"

I could only stare at him. Lol.