Post by OckGal on Jun 29, 2010 9:41:14 GMT
When I (Lisa) was here ages ago (my profile said 29 and I'm 32 now, wow), I identified as straight. So much has happened since I've last been here! I'll explain and try to keep it short (good luck!).
I got into a celeb and created a LiveJournal community in November 2010. A couple people joined in the start. One girl was really sexual and had a big ego, but I was strangely drawn to her. We started chatting a LOT. I fell in love with her personality and tried to back off because we'd talk about silly future things and I was taking them too seriously. Then she said she liked me and everything was good. Except she had been in a LOT of relationships and wasn't good at commitment but wanted to change. We talked about it and in February, started a relationship. Long distance since we're in two different states, but I thought it was good cos it gave my anxiety time to get used to her and she liked space.
She planned to visit in July. I told my parents about her (they were fine with it) and even went to the doc to get on meds for my anxiety (something I avoided all my life but wanted to change). I had motivation and a reason for things. But because this was my first relationship (ever), I was worried and afraid. It took a while to believe she really loved me and I finally trusted her. She admitted to being a guy inside and considering herself a trans-male. I accepted that.
There was a bit of a struggle in terms of him fighting this horny-male part of her who wanted to be with lots of people. I said I've always had bad experiences with guys always wanting me for one thing and ditching me when they didn't get it. He was offended that I didn't trust him because of gender but I eventually did.
We broke up for about 12 hours because he admitted to wanting a poly relationship, something I can't agree with (I don't wanna add more risk of losing the person I love by sharing him with people). He said he didn't mean to say it and we got back together, but there were always hints and I kept worrying. I was too verbal with my thoughts. I regret being so open and honest about how I was feeling now.
Things seemed okay, but I noticed he wasn't quite the same after a while. I'd mention this and he'd say he just didn't feel well or whatever. Assured me there was no problem. Swore he'd always love me and never leave me and come visit no matter what.
At the start of June, I still sensed something wrong and I mentioned it. I gave him a way out and he took it. He said he didn't have the money to come see me and didn't know how to tell me (even though he said he DID have the money before). The story changed over and over the more I asked for answers (I wanted to know the truth). I was depressed for days, didn't eat a thing for 48 hours.
We tried to be friends but I couldn't handle it and kept asking questions. He started by saying he's a gay male and had a weird feeling about being with me sexually. Then he said he was just in a bad mood when he said that and the real reason was because I sounded like I wanted to break-up even though he had conflicts but was working through them and didn't intend to break-up. If that were the case, it would have been a misunderstanding and things would have ironed out. So I didn't buy that.
Then he said I pointed out his faults and worried too much. I worried because I was afraid he wasn't happy with me. He was talking about things I wasn't into and I felt alienated. Then he finally said the TRUTH is he lost the spark for me a while ago. He said he doesn't last in relationships long.
So now I'm just bitter and upset and feeling used because every fear I told him about, he assured me I had no reason to worry and he made them all come true. I'm now left feeling NO trust or love for anyone and if I ever managed to have another relationship, these things will end up ruining it because I'm so cautious now (more than I was before).
I didn't ever think I'd fall in love with a girl and he was the one who was supposed to be open to anything (still claims so on various sites), but told me he wasn't into girls like he thought. I don't know what to believe. I ask for clarification so I can have closure and he doesn't know what to say. I know he has issues, but there was no need to lie (and deny doing so) knowing what this would do to me. If he was just interested in a casual thing, the promises about changing and loving only me and being happy with JUST me wasn't something that should have been made.
I do wanna remain friends, but I know jealousy would win. And I'm still so hurt. We were good friends, though. But it can't be the same without getting weird. And I kinda feel like he only liked me so much because we were in the same fandom, and when I lost interest and focused just on him, it changed (he says that wasn't the reason, though). I say hateful things but it's just me venting and feeling rejected and hurt and I keep saying I'm sorry about it. I tried so hard to fix things and begged for another chance saying I'd change (cos I took things for granted and WANT to be better), but he won't give me one like I gave him one.
The hardest part is that my online persona is much more forward and outgoing and he knows this, but didn't even wanna meet me and see how things went in person. My mom had agreed to let him move in here after he was done a couple of years in college. That was a huge thing and I thought would have made him happy to know things wouldn't always be so hard. He'd have a place to live, we'd be together, etc.
I feel like a kid who was let loose in a toy store and then banned from the store shortly after. I can't get back to enjoying things I enjoyed before. Online stuff, music, movies, etc. It's all tainted because we shared SO much together. People keep saying I'll find someone else, but that's not helping. He can go find someone just like that. I can't. I'm lucky I got someone interested in me after 32 years. By the time I find and trust someone else, I'll be too old to have much fun.
But yeah, so much for this being short. Just wanted to say what's been up with me (if anyone remembers me, lol) and say at least out of all of this, I realized I'm more into girls (butch gals are my main interest) than guys, as far as I can tell. I never really felt safe with guys anyway. Guess it's to do with the whole penis thing, lol!
I did join a few personal ad sites but haven't had any luck with those. "Met" a lot of cool people on Facebook now that I started looking on the gay groups there, though.
This is probably too long for everyone to read, but it kinda helps getting it all out there. Sorry for the length!
I got into a celeb and created a LiveJournal community in November 2010. A couple people joined in the start. One girl was really sexual and had a big ego, but I was strangely drawn to her. We started chatting a LOT. I fell in love with her personality and tried to back off because we'd talk about silly future things and I was taking them too seriously. Then she said she liked me and everything was good. Except she had been in a LOT of relationships and wasn't good at commitment but wanted to change. We talked about it and in February, started a relationship. Long distance since we're in two different states, but I thought it was good cos it gave my anxiety time to get used to her and she liked space.
She planned to visit in July. I told my parents about her (they were fine with it) and even went to the doc to get on meds for my anxiety (something I avoided all my life but wanted to change). I had motivation and a reason for things. But because this was my first relationship (ever), I was worried and afraid. It took a while to believe she really loved me and I finally trusted her. She admitted to being a guy inside and considering herself a trans-male. I accepted that.
There was a bit of a struggle in terms of him fighting this horny-male part of her who wanted to be with lots of people. I said I've always had bad experiences with guys always wanting me for one thing and ditching me when they didn't get it. He was offended that I didn't trust him because of gender but I eventually did.
We broke up for about 12 hours because he admitted to wanting a poly relationship, something I can't agree with (I don't wanna add more risk of losing the person I love by sharing him with people). He said he didn't mean to say it and we got back together, but there were always hints and I kept worrying. I was too verbal with my thoughts. I regret being so open and honest about how I was feeling now.
Things seemed okay, but I noticed he wasn't quite the same after a while. I'd mention this and he'd say he just didn't feel well or whatever. Assured me there was no problem. Swore he'd always love me and never leave me and come visit no matter what.
At the start of June, I still sensed something wrong and I mentioned it. I gave him a way out and he took it. He said he didn't have the money to come see me and didn't know how to tell me (even though he said he DID have the money before). The story changed over and over the more I asked for answers (I wanted to know the truth). I was depressed for days, didn't eat a thing for 48 hours.
We tried to be friends but I couldn't handle it and kept asking questions. He started by saying he's a gay male and had a weird feeling about being with me sexually. Then he said he was just in a bad mood when he said that and the real reason was because I sounded like I wanted to break-up even though he had conflicts but was working through them and didn't intend to break-up. If that were the case, it would have been a misunderstanding and things would have ironed out. So I didn't buy that.
Then he said I pointed out his faults and worried too much. I worried because I was afraid he wasn't happy with me. He was talking about things I wasn't into and I felt alienated. Then he finally said the TRUTH is he lost the spark for me a while ago. He said he doesn't last in relationships long.
So now I'm just bitter and upset and feeling used because every fear I told him about, he assured me I had no reason to worry and he made them all come true. I'm now left feeling NO trust or love for anyone and if I ever managed to have another relationship, these things will end up ruining it because I'm so cautious now (more than I was before).
I didn't ever think I'd fall in love with a girl and he was the one who was supposed to be open to anything (still claims so on various sites), but told me he wasn't into girls like he thought. I don't know what to believe. I ask for clarification so I can have closure and he doesn't know what to say. I know he has issues, but there was no need to lie (and deny doing so) knowing what this would do to me. If he was just interested in a casual thing, the promises about changing and loving only me and being happy with JUST me wasn't something that should have been made.
I do wanna remain friends, but I know jealousy would win. And I'm still so hurt. We were good friends, though. But it can't be the same without getting weird. And I kinda feel like he only liked me so much because we were in the same fandom, and when I lost interest and focused just on him, it changed (he says that wasn't the reason, though). I say hateful things but it's just me venting and feeling rejected and hurt and I keep saying I'm sorry about it. I tried so hard to fix things and begged for another chance saying I'd change (cos I took things for granted and WANT to be better), but he won't give me one like I gave him one.
The hardest part is that my online persona is much more forward and outgoing and he knows this, but didn't even wanna meet me and see how things went in person. My mom had agreed to let him move in here after he was done a couple of years in college. That was a huge thing and I thought would have made him happy to know things wouldn't always be so hard. He'd have a place to live, we'd be together, etc.
I feel like a kid who was let loose in a toy store and then banned from the store shortly after. I can't get back to enjoying things I enjoyed before. Online stuff, music, movies, etc. It's all tainted because we shared SO much together. People keep saying I'll find someone else, but that's not helping. He can go find someone just like that. I can't. I'm lucky I got someone interested in me after 32 years. By the time I find and trust someone else, I'll be too old to have much fun.
But yeah, so much for this being short. Just wanted to say what's been up with me (if anyone remembers me, lol) and say at least out of all of this, I realized I'm more into girls (butch gals are my main interest) than guys, as far as I can tell. I never really felt safe with guys anyway. Guess it's to do with the whole penis thing, lol!
I did join a few personal ad sites but haven't had any luck with those. "Met" a lot of cool people on Facebook now that I started looking on the gay groups there, though.
This is probably too long for everyone to read, but it kinda helps getting it all out there. Sorry for the length!