Feeling lost and confused (Cliche, I know)

[melancholic]

Hi Everyone:

I am here because I'm no longer sure exactly what I am. I know that ultimately it is up to me discover who I am, but advice and counsel from others would certainly be helpful.

It would be impossible to be able to describe every single feeling, every single event, that led to me questioning whether I am gay or straight. So I will attempt to give a short-winded outline, just to give you a feeling as to the situation that I am currently in.

OK...I never thought as myself as "gay" until recently, and I am now 28 years old. Looking back, I remember fantasizing about being with a guy when I was in middle school. However, I didn't really identify these feelings as being "gay." (silly, I know.) But to confuse things further, I also remember being turned when looking at a girl's legs and such, and had many fantasies with them also.

Fast forward to the end of high school. By this time, I have slept with a good bit of females, and if I felt any gay-type feelings, I immediately repressed them. At this time, I was also accused of being gay several times. If I heard the accusation, I would be pissed off, but I didn't really take it seriously. I didn't know why I was being accused, because I had never came on to a guy or anything, and I didn't think I really acted gay (OK to be fair, I did act a little giddy for a guy, didn't play physical sports, had friends who were girls, and when I lied down on my stomach, I usually raised my feet in the air, like a girl at a slumber party; I see their point now) But I took these insults as nothing more than that, stupid insults.

It wasn't until college that it really hit me. There was a girl that I wanted to ask on a date, but before I asked, she bluntly asked: "Are you gay?"

I didn't know what to say, other than mumble "hell no," and walk away. I felt crushed. After that, I became depressed and paranoid. It was always over my head after that. "Do they think I am gay? Am I doing anything that may seem gay? I don't want to be gay!" Even though I tried, there were still other instances when I was accused of being gay. I enlisted in the military, and in basic training, there were a few people who were convinced that I was gay. I think they could have seen me in the act of making love to a girl, and would have still been like "Ahh, he's simply trying to cover up the fact. Look at him, he even fucks like he's queer." Oddly, there were two lesbian girls who really thought I was gay. I have heard about the "gaydar," but does it usually work across sexes as well???

I basically lost myself. I tried to become someone else. I felt like I had to be with a lot of girls, to prove to myself, that I wasn't gay. I didn't really think of being with a guy at all, because I was obsessed with NOT feeling gay.

Like I stated earlier, I have been in many relationships, but I am not really sure that I have been fully in love at all. Many times, it felt forced. Like, with sex (I promise to spare the lurid details) there were many times that I had to make myself get turned on. I didn't think of guys to do it; I just thought of sex in general.


Now I'm little older, a little more open-minded. I have always defended gay rights and have felt personally insulted when others talk negatively of gays. Perhaps it was I felt persecuted, just as they had. Or perhaps...they were right along. Overall, I just want to feel...natural. I want to feel like I don't have to put on act. I truthfully believe that if love came in the form of another guy, I would totally go for it.

So...does this mean I'm gay?

[LittleSomething]

Hi melancholic! Welcome to the forums. Sorry it's been kind of slow around here lately...

Anyway, I definitely know what you mean about wanting to feel natural; that was my biggest concern during my questioning period, too. I spent a lot of time going back and forth, asking myself just how strongly I was attracted to women, whether I was really attracted to men at all, things like that. Eventually I came to a conclusion - I'm a lesbian - and it made me really happy just to know. You'll get to that point eventually, too, but in the meantime... yeah, it sucks. But it's okay, because you have people to talk to about it, even if it's just here!

As for the big question, though, I certainly can't know whether you're gay any better than you can, simply because I'm not in your head. All I can really do is tell you that I, too, went through a lot of stubborn denial before even starting to think I might be anything other than straight. Despite plenty of signs pointing the other direction, I took it for granted that I just <i>had</i> to be straight, that anything else was simply out of the question and not even worth speculating. But the time came, just as it has with you, that I was able to start looking at orientation with a more open mind. Despite the confusion, things got better from there.

I suppose there is one piece of advice I can give, though it might not seem like much help: continue to question yourself. Actually... no, it might be better to say this: don't question yourself. Now I don't mean sweep the feelings under the rug, because as I'm sure you know by now, that doesn't do any good; I mean let your thoughts and fantasies come naturally. If you find yourself thinking about guys, try not stop and worry too much about what it means. The best advice I can give you is really to allow your attractions some freedom. The questions "Am I attracted to men?" and "Am I attracted to women?" will really only answer themselves if you let yourself explore the possibilities on both sides. You may find that you're gay, or bisexual, or pansexual, or anything else out there in the vast world of orientations. But whatever conclusion you reach and however you get there, remember that the most important thing is to be comfortable and happy with yourself. Your sexuality is yours and yours alone, so don't worry about what others think. We're all responsible for our own happiness in life, so do what makes you happy and enjoy yourself, however you wish to do so!

Good luck on your journey, and remember to come back and tell us how it goes!