Post by Conor on Jul 23, 2009 9:08:20 GMT
Yes. Depressing title. Woo, go me. I do happen to be writing this first post in a fit of depressive insomnia, though.
I'm bigender. No wait, I don't know what I am. Some days I love my biological gender. Some days I want to roll around screaming and tearing at my flesh because I feel trapped. And some days, I just don't care.
Am I trans? Do I really want to try to shift all that way? I talked to my mother, who was there every time I've come out so far ("I'm gay" "No wait, I'm pansexual" "I'm polyamorous" "I'm bigender"). Once, I brought up taking hormones and surgery (not as an actual idea that I wanted to pursue at the time, merely expressing frustration that, as a bigender person, I don't really have that option, because you can't really go "halfway", at least as far as I know). Her reaction was very serious in that she didn't want to lose me (she has one son and one daughter, and I think losing one to the other gender scares her). She's always been so supportive....
Ugh. Don't even want to get into my father. He knows I'm pansexual, and that's it. Polyamory is a sin to him (he mixes it up with polygamy and mormons and religious extremists and shit). Bigender... I don't even know how he'd handle that. Probably with the same confused fear that my mother did ("But you're not trans, are you?")
I'm awake. I don't know what gender(s?) I am. I'm looking down at my body and envisioning being the opposite gender, and loving it. And yet I know that I've had days on end where I've thoroughly enjoyed my biological gender. Dressing for the part. Speaking the part. If I change, will I still be me? If I choose to change, I can't ever go back... not in the middle of drugs and surgery and craziness can I decide I just want to be my bio gender again, sometimes.
The funny thing is, I don't feel suicidal. I've attempted, in the past, over two very "special" men in my life (at the times), but now I just realize how retarded it is. Same with self-harm. It does no good, it just adds recursive layers of complication and ignoring the root of my problem. Which is, I guess, how I perceive myself.
TMI WARNING I couldn't even masturbate, I was so preoccupied with my thoughts. I took a vow of celibacy for a year (long story for a future post), so I've been masturbating A LOT, but I couldn't even begin to try tonight. I mean, I went through the motions, but I couldn't even think of a nice fantasy, and I just didn't have the drive to look for some good porn. My fingers and hand worked hard, but... nothing happened. I was physically stimulated, but my body didn't react like it normally did to the stimulation. My brain didn't even seem to register that it felt good, just that it felt, like when you touch your own skin.
But writing this has helped. I'm no nearer to an answer, but I am tired, and I can go to sleep.
I'm bigender. No wait, I don't know what I am. Some days I love my biological gender. Some days I want to roll around screaming and tearing at my flesh because I feel trapped. And some days, I just don't care.
Am I trans? Do I really want to try to shift all that way? I talked to my mother, who was there every time I've come out so far ("I'm gay" "No wait, I'm pansexual" "I'm polyamorous" "I'm bigender"). Once, I brought up taking hormones and surgery (not as an actual idea that I wanted to pursue at the time, merely expressing frustration that, as a bigender person, I don't really have that option, because you can't really go "halfway", at least as far as I know). Her reaction was very serious in that she didn't want to lose me (she has one son and one daughter, and I think losing one to the other gender scares her). She's always been so supportive....
Ugh. Don't even want to get into my father. He knows I'm pansexual, and that's it. Polyamory is a sin to him (he mixes it up with polygamy and mormons and religious extremists and shit). Bigender... I don't even know how he'd handle that. Probably with the same confused fear that my mother did ("But you're not trans, are you?")
I'm awake. I don't know what gender(s?) I am. I'm looking down at my body and envisioning being the opposite gender, and loving it. And yet I know that I've had days on end where I've thoroughly enjoyed my biological gender. Dressing for the part. Speaking the part. If I change, will I still be me? If I choose to change, I can't ever go back... not in the middle of drugs and surgery and craziness can I decide I just want to be my bio gender again, sometimes.
The funny thing is, I don't feel suicidal. I've attempted, in the past, over two very "special" men in my life (at the times), but now I just realize how retarded it is. Same with self-harm. It does no good, it just adds recursive layers of complication and ignoring the root of my problem. Which is, I guess, how I perceive myself.
TMI WARNING I couldn't even masturbate, I was so preoccupied with my thoughts. I took a vow of celibacy for a year (long story for a future post), so I've been masturbating A LOT, but I couldn't even begin to try tonight. I mean, I went through the motions, but I couldn't even think of a nice fantasy, and I just didn't have the drive to look for some good porn. My fingers and hand worked hard, but... nothing happened. I was physically stimulated, but my body didn't react like it normally did to the stimulation. My brain didn't even seem to register that it felt good, just that it felt, like when you touch your own skin.
But writing this has helped. I'm no nearer to an answer, but I am tired, and I can go to sleep.
