The Story of My Life.

[psychosis]

Wow, I never thought that I would ever do something like this, I mean talk about everything that's going on in my life to complete strangers. Hmmm, okay guys first post.

I've known that I was Homosexual for a long time (lol I'm only 16, but still a few years now - a terribly long time ) anywho, I've had several 'crushes' on various guys that I've met along my way to this moment. And now that I look back on them, the 'crushes' have gotten not stronger as such but more real to me, more emotional? Now these 'crushes' have always been on someone that I've been quite close to, with the last two 'crushes' (one of which is still going) the person has been my best friend (My 'best' friend changed last year - mainly because I took a risk with him, and told him that I liked him...didn't end well). My current crush is on my best friend at the moment (at least I consider him my best friend - even if he doesn't, which is something I question all the time) and this crush makes life very difficult, I can't do anything about. I know he is straight, he has a girlfriend (who is so good for him) but I still feel a very strong attraction to him.

The problem is that everything he does, every slight thing that he does against me or for me is magnified a thousand times, I get jealous that he talks to one of our other friends for hours and not me and I know I shouldn't but what can I do. Now this is going ot start turning into various ramblings. I remember one time, I came over his house (and I know his family very well and they let me in straight away) and I went upstairs and caught him coming out of the bathroom, I now have an image in my head that I treasure always (he was in a towel). But I remember the steam that surrounded him, the droplets of water slowly dripping down his smooth chest making him look like an angel.

Anyways at the moment there are times when I feel like committing murder (he is neglecting me at the moment, and I don't know what I've done) and then there are times that he makes me so happy that I could kiss him (which again would not be the best idea, but sometimes it is so hard to resist). And I have 'jokingly' told him that I love him (at least that's what he thinks) or at the appropriate times (like when he has done me a favour) even though I actually mean it and I so desperately want him to realise that. However I am so scared that if he does realise that I love him, that he won't want to talk to me. At the moment telling him I love him will accomplish nothing good, but it's just the deceit, not telling the whole truth that tears me inside. I am such an emotional wreck at the moment, and this silly boy doesn't realise how much effect any of his actions have on me. This has sort of turned into a rant, but please comment.

Arggh life why does life have to be so difficult

[LonelyArtist]

Yay, new blog! And quite an interesting one so far...

I don't know you or your friend, so I can't say for sure what is best to do. I can't say that you should tell him your feelings, because maybe you shouldn't. I can't say you shouldn't, because maybe you should.

If you feel like you want to tell him, what are his feelings for homosexuals? If you don't know, try to bring it up un-suspicious-like. If something like the Prop 8 thing happens again, or another state legalizes gay marriage, try to bring that up and see if he's got a problem with gay people. If he doesn't, then maybe you could tell him. Obviously, there will be awkwardness that somebody he doesn't like likes him, but if he supports you, he should just be able to laugh it off and so could you.

[psychosis]

Updating the blog.

After I wrote this blog, it sort of started to become more and more obvious that I liked him as more than a friend and he started to distance himself from me to protect himself, which made me hurt more. And it got to a point where I would mope around for days and the slightest thing that he did wrong, and I pretty much said to myself that it was enough, I had to get over him as nothing was ever going to happen.

[psychosis]

Sorry about that, half my stuff is gone and my reply to LonelyArtist, I shall do it at the end

continuing from the last post...

between me and him. So I tried to make myself not like him in that way, I tried to change my thinking about him so that he was a person that I could only love as a friend. I tried for ages and ages to change my thinking, needless to say that didn't work. And I came to the conclusion that I would have to tell him my feelings and then go away for a while.

So I had an extremely long conversation with him explaining my situation and he was very understanding and open-minded (one of the many reasons I love him so much) and I said that I wanted to spend some time alone to get over him, to not see him for a while he actually got concerned, worried that I was taking it too far, he got worried about me (which made me love him even more). But I told him that it was necessary for me to progress to a different stage.

And wow, I lasted a week without talking to him, hahahah. One week without talking to anyone really, boy you can think alot in one week. Anyway, that was the beginning of the change in my thinking towards him, and I wanted it to happen then and there because I was feeling so crap.

And then we were more distant than ever, I talked to him less, I saw him less, I didn't go over his house once - which was something I enjoyed a hell of a lot. And I started to hate myself, I started to hate everything because I blamed it on my failing relationship with Jayden. I hated the fact that I had liked him, I hated the fact that I let it happen, I even blamed the fact that I was gay because if I was straight or a chick it would be an entirely different story and I'd probably be telling you how awesome life is. The fact is, I pretty much hated everything and started to question everything (something he has managed to make me do several times).

We have the same friends, so it wasn't like we didn't see each other at all, and I slowly started to build his trust in me back up. It may have been a bit early for him to be trusting me, but I was happy that he was paying me attention at the time. But being Jayden, he 'does what feels right at the time' and he tends to forget about people, gahh, I don't know how to explain this properly without making him sound like an a-hole, he neglects people without meaning to and it changes from week to week. So he started to not talk as much and whatnot and I got really worried and questioned everything once again, I got angry and was very moody.

And this happened on and off for a while, good weeks and bad weeks, all depending on what he was feeling at the time. And it went on until only recently that I changed, I think the final change of my state of mind was yesterday. We had spent the majority of the last three days together and we talked and talked and talked about heaps of different things. He trusted me with things that he wouldn't normally say to anyone and I trusted him with things that I have kept in tightly bound boxes hidden deep within the darkest depths of my memories. And eventually I got to talk to him about me and how I felt about him, and I realised how much change had occurred in how I think about him, I mean I still look at his ass (because it's hot!!!) but it doesn't mean anything anymore, and I'm no longer capable of thinking about him in a sexual way, or naked, it makes me feel guilty. And over the past three days I realised that he doe love me too, in a way that I always wanted.

Also, he's finally accepted me for who I am, being gay that is. I can talk to him about my thoughts and feelings in that area now without feeling like I'm doing something wrong, which is an awesome feeling. He read this yesterday as well, the post above, he especially loved the 'angel' part, but I feel like that is a different person now so it doesn't matter to me. (I also made 'my angel' jokes for the rest of the day, eventually taking all meaning from the words)

To LonelyArtist, I pretty much told him from the start that I was gay, it was a shock to him, because I had talked to him as a straight guy and talked about girls and things which made me feel uncomfortable, but I had learned to fake it well. It was a funny moment actually, I think I've said on here before that I love telling someone that I'm gay because it's so much like dropping a bombshell, they stop for a second and sort of try and pass it off as not being anything of consequence. Anyway, he was more annoyed because he liked the idea that he was going to have someone to talk to about girls, someone he could go to for advice - he still can but at the time he didn't realise that, I know that he realises that now which makes me feel so good.

(If you read this My Angel, I love you )

Mikey.

[LonelyArtist]

Oh wow! You, sir, are a poet. Your story just makes me happy. I'm so glad everything worked out for you, and I hope your friend doesn't get too mad for his "she's so hot" conversations.