I Ain't Gonna Live Forever

[Ramok]

On suggestion, I am starting one of these blog things. Never been one much for blogs, but I guess it wouldn't hurt to start one. So here I go! =]


It was sometime early last year that I had fully come to terms with the fact that I consider myself to be male. Sure, I may have breasts and female genitalia, but I never really thought myself to be female. I just looked like one. So how do I know I'm not just having self perspective issues?

Since I was young, I've always wanted to be like my elder brother. I wanted to grow up big and strong. It was around grade 3, when I was 7, that I had completely ditched the dresses and skirts my mother was obsessed with dressing me in. I hated the things with a passion.

So from there onward, I simply considered myself a tomboy. I played rough with the boys, I got dirty, I ran around in the scrub across from my house, I played with lizards and just went wild. Fun times, I assure you.

I remember that in grade 5 that one of the boy's had touched me, as my mother had put it, "where nobody else but a doctor should touch you". I was extremely confused. Why on earth would he want to touch me there? It's gross down there. Or at least that's what went through my head at the time.

The next year, I was sent to live with my Aunty, Uncle and cousin. I was the elder one, Katie being 5 years younger than I. I remember being overly protective for the first five minutes. And then it all went down hill. We bickered, fought and so on. I remember quite a few times that she had scratched my arms to the point of drawing blood. It hurts just thinking about it. I flt the need to assert my dominance. After all, I was eldest and deserved some respect, right?

Obviously not. After 6 months, I left, never to return. I came back to live with my parents, completing grade 6 at the old school I had been in before leaving. I was a sporty person, but I was also a little nerdy nut. In grade 7, the last year of primary school, I auditioned for the school play 'Snow White and the 7 Aliens'. I wanted to be Prince Charming. I mean, c'mon! He got a sword!

Instead, I got Snow White, much to my dislike. During th actual play, I was half tempted to steal John's sword (he played Prince Charming) and start battling the aliens myself instead of laying on the ground, pretending to be asleep like a stunned fish. At the end, he had to bend down and kiss me. I remember whispering to him before the play, threatening to knock his teeth out if he did.

Later that year, I got to play a Ring wraith and have a sword fight. It was so much fun! Needless to say, I died at the end in a very epic way. Best. Fight. Ever.

The next year, I was thrown headfirst into high school. Let me just say that that sucked! I was paranoid people were going to steal my bag and stuff. But what really amuses me is that I walked into the boys bathroom, used it and left without being noticed as being female. This both thrilled and shocked me. I could pull off being a man!

Grade 9 was when I met my now ex boyfriend and my current best friend. Jake. He was tall, he was pale, he was lanky, he was uberly gay and I had the biggest crush on him. While I didn't know it at the time, he was talking to me because he thought I was popular. Me! Popular! What joys that brought. I eventually got the guts to ask him out. I persisted until he finally gave in. Well, I was the dominant one in that relationship, let me tell you.

2 months later, it ended and we remained close. I started noticing the girls who walked past in mini skirts and mini shorts. While I openly said they were 'very promiscuous', I secretly wanted to run my hands up their thighs. My mother had always said it was OK if I was lesbian, though I denied even liking girls outright. In the third quarter of that year, I confessed to Jake that I might be bisexual. He was thrilled, not because he thought it was hot (and he did), but because he is bisexual leaning toward gay. I knew then why I had been dominant.

He had once commented that I walk like a man. I thought he was being funny, so I told him he walked like a supermodel. But the next time he said it, he had a very serious look on his face. Of course, I had wondered what it would be like to be male for a day. What girl hasn't? But after that day, I became more and more masculine. I loved the fact that I was more masculine than some of the guys I knew.

Last year, I came to the conclusion that I was meant to be male. It felt so right, admitting it to myself. It was like the world had suddenly made sense. At that point, I had started identifying as male on the Internet. Nobody ever questioned this. I felt like I could be myself. I didn't feel the need to live up to what was expected of me, being born female and all. So life rolled on, my family believing that I am a tomboy.

Earlier this year, I met my partner, Conor. Conor is a bi-gendered person and I couldn't figured out whether that would classify me as straight, bi, gay or what. So I did my research and found that I was in fact, pansexual. It makes sense to me and I'm proud to be.

I am now 12 days from turning 16. I haven't told my family that I'm transsexual or that I'm pansexual but I eventually plan to with the support of my friends who do know and the light of my life, Conor.

And that's my story ^^ Longer that I thought it was going to be >>;;

[Gamoc]

Sounds like you have your life all figured out.

Are you sure you want to become a male. Getting a gender change can be very dangerous and can cause many health issues even if the right precautions are taken. The sudden change in your body can create some very undesired responses. However, if that is something that you wish to do, then go for it!

By bi-gendered, does that mean connor wants to be a girl sometimes and sometimes he wants to be a guy, or does it mean he just has a tendency to act like one or the other?

[Ramok]

Far from it o.o;;

Yes, I'm absolutely certain. Nothing would make me happier... Well, aceept for being with Conor forever, but that's a different kind of happy.

By bi-gendered, it means that he sometimes identifies as male and sometimes as female. It's considered a sub catergory of Transsexualism. You'd have to get him to explain further XD; I suck at explaining these things.

[Gamoc]

No, I think I understand now. That is kind of what I thought it meant, but I thought it would be better to ask before I came to that conclusion.

Well, it doesn't seem like your life is filled with thousands of problems. That, or you're taking it very well.

So talk about this German-Obsessed Australian thing. What about German things do you like?

[Ramok]

Oh good! I don't have to explain and potentially confuse you and myself.

It's filled with normal problems. Hardly worth complaining about compared to lots of other people's lives though.

I dunno, I think I have a secret fetish for German things. I love the accent, I love the country, I love Rammstein (lol), I love the food... I just love it?

[Gamoc]

It's weird how I supposedly have so much German in me, and yet, and I know so little about it.

That's really interesting about the accent, though. I've heard of being in love with British, French, and Australian accents, but never a German accent. It is an interesting accent whenever they speak English, I do agree.

[Ramok]

I'm only a fifth German... Major envy!

I still don't see what's so loveable about Australian accents. We've got one of the laziest accents in the world XD But that's alright, I love Russian accents as well. Mm, mm, what I wouldn't do just to listen to one.

[Gamoc]

Watch the new star trek movie if its there in Australia. There is a boy with a Russian accent there.

[LonelyArtist]

That bigender thing is cool. I've heard of "agender," but not bigender. Is Conor always referred to as "he," or does it change with the current identification? Does he ever identify as both male and female at the same time? It's really interesting.

[Conor]

Hey, Conor here ^_^

Most people call me "s/he", "hir", etc, using a double-gendered identification. Ramok always refers to me as male because, well, he always makes me feel male (which makes me quite happy).

[LonelyArtist]

Yay, it's Conor! Well, I'm going to call you "he," which seems neutral enough to me. Unless they come out with something prettier and easier to pronounce than the two you gave.

[Stacey Morgan]

People usually call me "it" - the funny thing is, they have noooo idea!

As for the accent, I like it. Infact the ole' Sheila here, always uses bonza slang...

On a lighter note:

Hast Du etwas Zeit für mich
Dann singe ich ein Lied fuer Dich
Von 99 Luftballons
Auf ihrem Weg zum Horizont
Denkst Du vielleicht grad' an mich
Dann singe ich ein Lied fuer Dich
Von 99 Luftballons
Und dass sowas von sowas kommt